my surch for salvation

my surch for salvation
Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

no rest for the wicked

i can't be happy.

its not a just for now thing, i cant be. i want to be happy more then anything.

but i just can't. i always feel alone and in the dark. like its sofcating me, at one point it was like it was a soft velet rapeing around me nice and cool. now it hurts it presses down on my chest breaking my ribs. its like heavey water. it fills my lungs my heart. think heavy and painfull. like liguid iron.

he said its just for now i have my whole life. im lucky if i live my whole life. i can bearly make one day, my whole life thats terffing. i can't natrully be happy. ever. i need pills to make me feel happy.

i hate doing this to brendan, i hate it so much. i would compleatly get it if he left. i'd leave me. i hate me. always the same problems, over and over again. i'd hate it. he didn't sing up for crazy manic deppresive. it scars me, that he would. but i think im getting used to the idea that every ones going to walk away from me. no one every stays. they can't handle it. i cant even fucking handle it.

im still cutting im stoping tho, it feels rong im happy-ish when i cut or as colse to happy as i can come. i just feel normal with it. its gone from 32 each time i cut to 3 or 4. i think i bump it up to 10 tho, from 32 to 10 still good. from 32 to 4 is better but i'm have trubble with that.

i make up for it it used to be 32 shallow bloddy cuts. i cut deeper now to make up for it so the pain stays longer so there easy to open up if i need blood. alex has these really deep cuts on her leg tht have been there for months she says to get the blade deeper you push harder (thats what she said)

i cant seem to get it. im jelouse of thos so used to pain thats all i think i ever want to feel.

cut. i love that word.cut.say it, did u hear the slash it makes when ever you say it? cut

i was looking threw old dirys, and i always used to sing one sabrina of our lifes. i used to joke and say my liffe was a soap opra and then everthing got real. and it wasnt so funny anymore.

im alone, or i always feel alone, and on my own like its me against the world. i could be surounded but 3 million people and still feel alone and unwanted. oh dear god where is my salvation.

poeple say they understand, that they cut. they wanted to kill them selfs ect. they been where i have. there lieing. no one will know what this is like, not unless you're me you'll never know. you can't grasp me unless you are me.

i guess there really is no rest for the wicked.


Monday, September 20, 2010

highschool, resons,views

"I am a little bit insecure, a little unconfident
'Cause you don't understand, I do what I can
But sometimes I don't make sense"

yeah i hate highschool.or more like i hate people.alot.

im a wrd girl with many opions that change but i have to solid one that are polar oppistes but mesh very well together.

love and hate.

they say you can't hate some one you love. but oppistes would be nothing without the other. there is a thin line betwwen love and hate like there is with oppisats. night and day, life and death, good and evil.

you can know love unless you've felt don't know light unless you now dark. and you dont know what good and evil if you've never seen true good or true evil.if you haven't felt any of thos you have not yet lived. you are nivie.

i have felt. i have lived. i hate it. its hard to find resons to live at all,i made a list it was supossed to be of 50 for a while its thankfullly growing longer

1. the people i love.
-brendan <3
there the poeple i love most in the world. alot of the time there my only resons.

2.the stars. you can't see then when your rotting in the ground.

when i was going threw a really hard time at home, fighting with my mom and dealing with my dad death iused to gaze at the stars every night. every night i would be at my window looking around at the snow with the stars shineing bright they shine brightest in the winter. ther where my salvation.

for a while those where my only to resons to live to go on ever. but now, i have some more.
- family
- getting out of this god forsken place.

4. if i kill my self some one, some where out there will cry over my grave. some one some where out there ( soul mate, yes i believe in tht) will be lost and have to go threw there life alone.i could never. ever. do that to him.

5. i refuse to hurt the ones i love, even if my cuts are hurting them my death will hurt worse. at least they have some of me this way. the rest i bleed away.

but to my veiws

veiw one: life is hard but theres a reason im on this worl i want to help people. i never want some one to feel like me.

veiw two: people are awful they are genuanly bad well are slefish and ALL disever to die. life is a crul joke that has no real meaning and people can be replaced.

see how different thos are?

but do you see how they are the same?

i do hate people and they are selfish and we do disaver to die, but even tho that is ture and life might be a joke ( i haven't lived enfoe or seen enofe to know) poeple out there that are like me with people that love them shouldnt die.

even tho people are evil no one diserevis this pain.

no one.


Sunday, September 19, 2010

every scar has its past and every life has its end

i cut.

i cut threw everything. every emotion seeing the blood pore sobers me up like you wouldnt believe.its the best drug ill ever take.

and if you cut ill never tell you to stop. i would be hypocritcal for me to make you stop. i dont want to stop. i dont ever want to stop. i need the cuts and the blood like i need air. im in that far. is there any way out?

but what i can say is. dont be like me. i wouldnt wish me or my life on anyone in this world. you'll never get me or know how it feels to be me, unless you are me.

once i made that frist cut there was no going back i can never be the same me i was then. i'll never been the same nivie little girl. ever.again.

i didn't know pain

i didn't know hate

i didnt know saddness

i didnt know what it ment be alive

once i made that first cut, i felt every thing. and happyness true true happyness has hardly been felt scence. i dont know if i ever will even in my happyest moments i'm sad. im broken.

no one disevers a broken girl.

after these 4 years of cutting. i know what its like to be worthless. trust me i know.

its sad that whem some one asked me what inportant to me what is worth take in the only thing i could think was. razor.

wow i really am that fucked up.


the road so far

okay so ill be blut becuase i don't care about what people think any more, im to far gone to care.

im a pretty fucked up little girl. thats the beging middle and end all the rest are details.

i love. im cable of loveing every one and every thing. in this life with the pain i've felt witch i dont know if you want me to go there. according to katie this is suppossed to be a happy blog!

okay fuck that...

pain it feels like my ribs are being pulled back just so my heart can be ripped out, it feels like my bones are being snapped one buy one and every thing eles. is in flames.

once you feel that you know when you love

you know how to love

you know what it means to love

to feel.

once you've felt that it's insane what you're capable of.

what you'll do to keep the pain away.

once you hit tht pain you find how deep you find your skin goes and how meny pills it will take to never wake up.

i have meny scars i have meny cuts.

my body now holds 86 cuts all over it. it can hold more.

but i promised i'd stop. i promised i'd try.

and for him i will.

this scars me. i dont feel normal unless im hurting myself.

weather its not eating or cutting.

with out that i dont know what i can do i feel rong missplaced. pain has become a part of every day life, something i can't live without. fucked up? trust me i know.

but if stoping will let me feel happyness true happyness then well mabey its worth a shot.

or mabey it will go horbily rong.

lets find out shall we?