no rest for the wicked

i can't be happy.

its not a just for now thing, i cant be. i want to be happy more then anything.

but i just can't. i always feel alone and in the dark. like its sofcating me, at one point it was like it was a soft velet rapeing around me nice and cool. now it hurts it presses down on my chest breaking my ribs. its like heavey water. it fills my lungs my heart. think heavy and painfull. like liguid iron.

he said its just for now i have my whole life. im lucky if i live my whole life. i can bearly make one day, my whole life thats terffing. i can't natrully be happy. ever. i need pills to make me feel happy.

i hate doing this to brendan, i hate it so much. i would compleatly get it if he left. i'd leave me. i hate me. always the same problems, over and over again. i'd hate it. he didn't sing up for crazy manic deppresive. it scars me, that he would. but i think im getting used to the idea that every ones going to walk away from me. no one every stays. they can't handle it. i cant even fucking handle it.

im still cutting im stoping tho, it feels rong im happy-ish when i cut or as colse to happy as i can come. i just feel normal with it. its gone from 32 each time i cut to 3 or 4. i think i bump it up to 10 tho, from 32 to 10 still good. from 32 to 4 is better but i'm have trubble with that.

i make up for it it used to be 32 shallow bloddy cuts. i cut deeper now to make up for it so the pain stays longer so there easy to open up if i need blood. alex has these really deep cuts on her leg tht have been there for months she says to get the blade deeper you push harder (thats what she said)

i cant seem to get it. im jelouse of thos cuts.im so used to pain thats all i think i ever want to feel.

cut. i love that word.cut.say it, did u hear the slash it makes when ever you say it? cut

i was looking threw old dirys, and i always used to sing one sabrina of our lifes. i used to joke and say my liffe was a soap opra and then everthing got real. and it wasnt so funny anymore.

im alone, or i always feel alone, and on my own like its me against the world. i could be surounded but 3 million people and still feel alone and unwanted. oh dear god where is my salvation.

poeple say they understand, that they cut. they wanted to kill them selfs ect. they been where i have. there lieing. no one will know what this is like, not unless you're me you'll never know. you can't grasp me unless you are me.

i guess there really is no rest for the wicked.

-sabrina