my surch for salvation

my surch for salvation
Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

the end of an almost legacy (yeah right)

i feel pretty alone today, and it scares me because this time i am...

i have no one ligetimatily i never truely realized it untill now, i guess because at this moment i really am.

im sitting im my room alone in my house tyeping on my computer, writeing a blog post no one will ever read.

alex left were not friends aaanymore she hates me and it hate that. considering shes been my best friend scene i moved here. amanda feels to juged. im close with share people but not friends hangout close. my boy friend is at the moment non existent... not that im desprate or anything, but haveing some one to talk to would be nice. or the thougth of being in love sounds kind of ideal. but at the moment thats not happening... it will one day just not at the moment.

and family life not exatly great, tonigt my mom and my step-loser are going out to dinner with out me, even tho i did ask if i could go. i got tried of staying home alone today..feeling well usless. not worthless just kind of like i take up space. but back on topic, my mom said no that they wanted there alone time to celbrate his brithdayl, she said qoute " i feel slipt between you and him, on one hand i dont want you to feel left out, but i really want to be alone with him." un-qoute. i guess i could have said i really do feel left out of my own "family" (if thats what you can call it) but she obiously knew what she really wanted.

i would have just been there cuz she felt bad. i would be takeing up space. i dont take pitty anything. ever. someone has to mean it. id rather stay home alone then hangout with a bunch of people that just feel bad for me. so i let her go. i watched her choose him over me. thank you mommy. this was just confermation to the fact she stoped careing.

no one really cares any more im just problem after another i guess it get bother some after a while. mabey i should just end it. i think it would be a relife for every one really not to have to put up with me.

i wonder where i go after words, will i fly way and get to relive my life. be reincarnated: or mabey as the mmesoptiamians believed i'll go into the abise. i dont truely want to end it, but im tried of putting my problems on other people. yet i cant handle this all on my own. no matter when people say " i didn't lie when i sayed id always be there for you" they dont really mean it cuz when you go to them you get lame-o answer of that sux, and feel better. truely does nothing to help.

iv been steped on and trampled over, beaten down so low in the ground im as flat as a pancake. and the steps just keep comeing. suisied is starting to sound better and better.

i tryed the heart pills but they didnt stick, i have sleeping pills i think ill try. there supossed to stop the night terrors. mabey if i take the hole bottel i can stop everything. for good.

i wish i could say ill be missed or im leaveing something behind but im not just another teen susided... pointless. mabey some one will see this try to save me but i doubt it.

some people are to broken to ever be fixed.

- just another lost soul

Thursday, November 11, 2010


dear, boy who broke my heart ( you know who you are)

i dont think you read this anymore... but i hope you do. i hope you see this. this letter is for you. considering the fact that you blocked me on fb (thanks buy the way)this is the only way i can say what i want to you.

im sorry, this didn't work out. that we didn't work out. im sorry that you feeling changed. but thats okay. you caused me alot of pain. but i forgive you even if you not sorry. because no matter how close love and hate are, i don't think you can hate someone you love, or maby even loved.

i know you didn't use me. thank you for that. i feel used alot sometimes and it means alot that you thought better of me, that you didnt want to hurt me. you have no idea how much you have saved me.

im a different person now, a better person now. all thanks to you. you saved my life so many times. even now, though hearing your words should make it worse, not better. it doesnt. i makes my cry yes. but im still hear still liveing... and you know what? for once i WANT to be.

i want to live/ grow. change. i want to learn, and breath and LOVE. i want to wake up every morning, and take on the challenge. i WANT to. and you helped me to that. thank you. thank you so much.

for this i love you, not the same way i did. but i love you as a wise teacher. kinda like budda. lol your my zen master :p

the whole realtionship taught me alot about life about every thing. i learned alot. and some stuff im still trying to figur out. but over all what i can reall do is just thank you.

thank you for saveing my life.

your the only one who can save me from myself.

thank you<3 circle? i think i owe you one.

- sabrina

" suiside is for the coward, for the weak. its for thos who cant rise up to the challenge" - brendan egan,one of the best gryffindors i know.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

revaltions :)

im tried of all the hate, not towrds me but just everyone... evry one seems angery

i dont like it :(

and this is comeing fomr an angry person. i think is time i change. stop being so hateful. i stoped cutting. i stoped drinking. im changeing. and this is a good thing.

i wish brendan knew, i know he still hates me. but i think i just need to let go. no hate, because being mad at him for, being honist is compleatly stupied. i've been a real idiot lately.i was so lost in my own sickness. i didn't look around.i always had the opinon that i saw more, that i knew more then others. but i dont im to lost. or i WAS to lost in hate and pain i didnt see.

i said i hate what i became, but i turned myself into that. i was the problem, i didn't want to admit it.. but yeah i was.if i could stop cutting and drinking i wonder what eles i can do. i want to be a better person. i want to do this for ME. i bitch about how life is to short, but i never listen to what i say.

im not doing this FOR brendan, hes my muse. my insperation. in the end i wont be worthless i dont think i ever was. i was lost yes, but worthless no. i know brendan hates me but if i let go it wont matter anymore :)

in the end ill be okay :)

i have no where to go but up.

im going to be free

- free flyer

Saturday, November 6, 2010


i love mah f words :)

haha and no not fuck!

here are some of my face words at the moment.. cuz i can!

fallen- carved into my skin



forgotten- forget




and my other fave word innocent

of all the things i wish i had it was that.

i went to a nurse prationare for my deppresion last tuesday, she asked me if i had one wish what would it be. i want my innocence back. but i lied and told her something about i dont even remember. the loss of my innocence is my one and only regret. and no one talks about it. no one tells me it was rong. i think they know i kill myself over it enofe that they dont need to tell me i made the biggest mistake of my life. giveing everything to some one who was not capable of loveing some one so broken. i gave him everything, and got nothing back. esspeacly my innocence. and thats what i want most. it liget killing me.

i want to be pure, like air, free like wind. i want to fly away. i want to scrub him off my skin. i want some peace of mind.

but im more like smoke tanted and worthless. forgotten. and THATS what hurts most. the fact that theres nothing i can do to get it back.

i said yes i could have said no. god i wish i said no. i wasnt pressuerd. i was stupied. i had options. it could have said no. i should have said no.

and i will hate myself everday for the rest of my life. my one regret.

some angels are ment to fall....

but i never really believed in angels.

- a tainted girl

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

a not so happyily ever after

so i guess you can say im child-ish. or i am child-ish.

like i stiil LOVE puppies and baby animals cuz well there fugeing cute.

i also beilieve in magical creature and fariy-tales- compleatly shild-ish and imutrue for a high school freshman. most people think its for attention, but its rlly not. it because it gives me faith in another world. that some where out there, theres something pure and beautiful. and that i dont have to grow up.

honistly im not ready to, change scares me. i want to live in a world where theres no pain, no sadness. no cutting. no brendan. or handsome prince waiting to save me. just me and the air. the freedom. peace. salvation.

fairy tale honistly shouldn't be told to lil girls. or read to them every night. i think i'll read my kids the brother grim the real version. it closer to realtiy.

i don't my lil girl growning up thinking a man needs to save her. or give her false illsions, basicly i dont want my child to wind up like me. i would save anyone from that. i hate me. i hate pain. thats why i dont blame brendan. i dont like myself why should he?

but back to not wanting my kids to end up like me.

im deppressed, it runs in the family. i want to have kids. i rlly do ( not now of corse). but i dont want another little girl growning up with deppression. i want them to be happy. to be pure. to be anything but me.


so im going to again bring up brendan cuz honistly something i havent writen down.

i have this syestem i do that tends to fuck everything up. i change when im with someone. im compleatly awear of this. but yes i change so when we break up i can go back to being me. like it never happens like cutting of a string, useless and piontless.but with him there was a bit more then just a fake durnken whore. i showed him everthing. i GAVE him everything. so it was more like cutting out my heart.

i wish i could show him this. make him get it, but i dont think it would matter. hes to cold now. i was on the right track before, he hates me.

oh so many regrets. but in another world i can pretend. pretend ts all okay. hes changed to, i'll just gi back to when he didn't when he loved me with everything. when i was the strongest person he knew. god i miss that, i miss that part of him.

but when i imagen in a way its like he never left. i wish he never left, and took my heart with him.

but this is a world of pretend.


"That I can't make you stay
But where's your heart?"~ my chem