my surch for salvation

my surch for salvation
Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

the end of an almost legacy (yeah right)

i feel pretty alone today, and it scares me because this time i am...

i have no one ligetimatily i never truely realized it untill now, i guess because at this moment i really am.

im sitting im my room alone in my house tyeping on my computer, writeing a blog post no one will ever read.

alex left were not friends aaanymore she hates me and it hate that. considering shes been my best friend scene i moved here. amanda feels to juged. im close with share people but not friends hangout close. my boy friend is at the moment non existent... not that im desprate or anything, but haveing some one to talk to would be nice. or the thougth of being in love sounds kind of ideal. but at the moment thats not happening... it will one day just not at the moment.

and family life not exatly great, tonigt my mom and my step-loser are going out to dinner with out me, even tho i did ask if i could go. i got tried of staying home alone today..feeling well usless. not worthless just kind of like i take up space. but back on topic, my mom said no that they wanted there alone time to celbrate his brithdayl, she said qoute " i feel slipt between you and him, on one hand i dont want you to feel left out, but i really want to be alone with him." un-qoute. i guess i could have said i really do feel left out of my own "family" (if thats what you can call it) but she obiously knew what she really wanted.

i would have just been there cuz she felt bad. i would be takeing up space. i dont take pitty anything. ever. someone has to mean it. id rather stay home alone then hangout with a bunch of people that just feel bad for me. so i let her go. i watched her choose him over me. thank you mommy. this was just confermation to the fact she stoped careing.

no one really cares any more im just problem after another i guess it get bother some after a while. mabey i should just end it. i think it would be a relife for every one really not to have to put up with me.

i wonder where i go after words, will i fly way and get to relive my life. be reincarnated: or mabey as the mmesoptiamians believed i'll go into the abise. i dont truely want to end it, but im tried of putting my problems on other people. yet i cant handle this all on my own. no matter when people say " i didn't lie when i sayed id always be there for you" they dont really mean it cuz when you go to them you get lame-o answer of that sux, and feel better. truely does nothing to help.

iv been steped on and trampled over, beaten down so low in the ground im as flat as a pancake. and the steps just keep comeing. suisied is starting to sound better and better.

i tryed the heart pills but they didnt stick, i have sleeping pills i think ill try. there supossed to stop the night terrors. mabey if i take the hole bottel i can stop everything. for good.

i wish i could say ill be missed or im leaveing something behind but im not just another teen susided... pointless. mabey some one will see this try to save me but i doubt it.

some people are to broken to ever be fixed.

- just another lost soul

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