my surch for salvation

my surch for salvation
Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

to hell with perfect

i worked rlly hard to get my life back to normal but ya know what fuck this

thos are the perceings im getting next weekend. my mom has NOOO idea and shit so against all of this. she hates periceing tatoos ect. anything that doesnt make you a lady or perfect, or beautiful. anything that goes against tradtion. fuck tredtion, and to hell with perfection. this is for ME.

I won't let my mom tell me what fucking perfect, last time that happened i tore my skin to shreads and became nothing but bones. trying to get my mothers perfect. and people say snake bites are a bad thing ha!

i've put alot of thought into this, it will ruin my modleing carere. witch fules perfection and tring to be perfect for me has done nothing.

im seperating myself from others, i REFUSE to look like every one eles, to be like every one eles and to blend in. i am ME not anyone eles. not only that but it gives you something interseting to look at. some people said im ruinging my face but im not iim adding to it, this is my life. and my face im going to do what i want with it.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

the end of an almost legacy (yeah right)

i feel pretty alone today, and it scares me because this time i am...

i have no one ligetimatily i never truely realized it untill now, i guess because at this moment i really am.

im sitting im my room alone in my house tyeping on my computer, writeing a blog post no one will ever read.

alex left were not friends aaanymore she hates me and it hate that. considering shes been my best friend scene i moved here. amanda feels to juged. im close with share people but not friends hangout close. my boy friend is at the moment non existent... not that im desprate or anything, but haveing some one to talk to would be nice. or the thougth of being in love sounds kind of ideal. but at the moment thats not happening... it will one day just not at the moment.

and family life not exatly great, tonigt my mom and my step-loser are going out to dinner with out me, even tho i did ask if i could go. i got tried of staying home alone today..feeling well usless. not worthless just kind of like i take up space. but back on topic, my mom said no that they wanted there alone time to celbrate his brithdayl, she said qoute " i feel slipt between you and him, on one hand i dont want you to feel left out, but i really want to be alone with him." un-qoute. i guess i could have said i really do feel left out of my own "family" (if thats what you can call it) but she obiously knew what she really wanted.

i would have just been there cuz she felt bad. i would be takeing up space. i dont take pitty anything. ever. someone has to mean it. id rather stay home alone then hangout with a bunch of people that just feel bad for me. so i let her go. i watched her choose him over me. thank you mommy. this was just confermation to the fact she stoped careing.

no one really cares any more im just problem after another i guess it get bother some after a while. mabey i should just end it. i think it would be a relife for every one really not to have to put up with me.

i wonder where i go after words, will i fly way and get to relive my life. be reincarnated: or mabey as the mmesoptiamians believed i'll go into the abise. i dont truely want to end it, but im tried of putting my problems on other people. yet i cant handle this all on my own. no matter when people say " i didn't lie when i sayed id always be there for you" they dont really mean it cuz when you go to them you get lame-o answer of that sux, and feel better. truely does nothing to help.

iv been steped on and trampled over, beaten down so low in the ground im as flat as a pancake. and the steps just keep comeing. suisied is starting to sound better and better.

i tryed the heart pills but they didnt stick, i have sleeping pills i think ill try. there supossed to stop the night terrors. mabey if i take the hole bottel i can stop everything. for good.

i wish i could say ill be missed or im leaveing something behind but im not just another teen susided... pointless. mabey some one will see this try to save me but i doubt it.

some people are to broken to ever be fixed.

- just another lost soul

Thursday, November 11, 2010


dear, boy who broke my heart ( you know who you are)

i dont think you read this anymore... but i hope you do. i hope you see this. this letter is for you. considering the fact that you blocked me on fb (thanks buy the way)this is the only way i can say what i want to you.

im sorry, this didn't work out. that we didn't work out. im sorry that you feeling changed. but thats okay. you caused me alot of pain. but i forgive you even if you not sorry. because no matter how close love and hate are, i don't think you can hate someone you love, or maby even loved.

i know you didn't use me. thank you for that. i feel used alot sometimes and it means alot that you thought better of me, that you didnt want to hurt me. you have no idea how much you have saved me.

im a different person now, a better person now. all thanks to you. you saved my life so many times. even now, though hearing your words should make it worse, not better. it doesnt. i makes my cry yes. but im still hear still liveing... and you know what? for once i WANT to be.

i want to live/ grow. change. i want to learn, and breath and LOVE. i want to wake up every morning, and take on the challenge. i WANT to. and you helped me to that. thank you. thank you so much.

for this i love you, not the same way i did. but i love you as a wise teacher. kinda like budda. lol your my zen master :p

the whole realtionship taught me alot about life about every thing. i learned alot. and some stuff im still trying to figur out. but over all what i can reall do is just thank you.

thank you for saveing my life.

your the only one who can save me from myself.

thank you<3 circle? i think i owe you one.

- sabrina

" suiside is for the coward, for the weak. its for thos who cant rise up to the challenge" - brendan egan,one of the best gryffindors i know.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

revaltions :)

im tried of all the hate, not towrds me but just everyone... evry one seems angery

i dont like it :(

and this is comeing fomr an angry person. i think is time i change. stop being so hateful. i stoped cutting. i stoped drinking. im changeing. and this is a good thing.

i wish brendan knew, i know he still hates me. but i think i just need to let go. no hate, because being mad at him for, being honist is compleatly stupied. i've been a real idiot lately.i was so lost in my own sickness. i didn't look around.i always had the opinon that i saw more, that i knew more then others. but i dont im to lost. or i WAS to lost in hate and pain i didnt see.

i said i hate what i became, but i turned myself into that. i was the problem, i didn't want to admit it.. but yeah i was.if i could stop cutting and drinking i wonder what eles i can do. i want to be a better person. i want to do this for ME. i bitch about how life is to short, but i never listen to what i say.

im not doing this FOR brendan, hes my muse. my insperation. in the end i wont be worthless i dont think i ever was. i was lost yes, but worthless no. i know brendan hates me but if i let go it wont matter anymore :)

in the end ill be okay :)

i have no where to go but up.

im going to be free

- free flyer

Saturday, November 6, 2010


i love mah f words :)

haha and no not fuck!

here are some of my face words at the moment.. cuz i can!

fallen- carved into my skin



forgotten- forget




and my other fave word innocent

of all the things i wish i had it was that.

i went to a nurse prationare for my deppresion last tuesday, she asked me if i had one wish what would it be. i want my innocence back. but i lied and told her something about i dont even remember. the loss of my innocence is my one and only regret. and no one talks about it. no one tells me it was rong. i think they know i kill myself over it enofe that they dont need to tell me i made the biggest mistake of my life. giveing everything to some one who was not capable of loveing some one so broken. i gave him everything, and got nothing back. esspeacly my innocence. and thats what i want most. it liget killing me.

i want to be pure, like air, free like wind. i want to fly away. i want to scrub him off my skin. i want some peace of mind.

but im more like smoke tanted and worthless. forgotten. and THATS what hurts most. the fact that theres nothing i can do to get it back.

i said yes i could have said no. god i wish i said no. i wasnt pressuerd. i was stupied. i had options. it could have said no. i should have said no.

and i will hate myself everday for the rest of my life. my one regret.

some angels are ment to fall....

but i never really believed in angels.

- a tainted girl

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

a not so happyily ever after

so i guess you can say im child-ish. or i am child-ish.

like i stiil LOVE puppies and baby animals cuz well there fugeing cute.

i also beilieve in magical creature and fariy-tales- compleatly shild-ish and imutrue for a high school freshman. most people think its for attention, but its rlly not. it because it gives me faith in another world. that some where out there, theres something pure and beautiful. and that i dont have to grow up.

honistly im not ready to, change scares me. i want to live in a world where theres no pain, no sadness. no cutting. no brendan. or handsome prince waiting to save me. just me and the air. the freedom. peace. salvation.

fairy tale honistly shouldn't be told to lil girls. or read to them every night. i think i'll read my kids the brother grim the real version. it closer to realtiy.

i don't my lil girl growning up thinking a man needs to save her. or give her false illsions, basicly i dont want my child to wind up like me. i would save anyone from that. i hate me. i hate pain. thats why i dont blame brendan. i dont like myself why should he?

but back to not wanting my kids to end up like me.

im deppressed, it runs in the family. i want to have kids. i rlly do ( not now of corse). but i dont want another little girl growning up with deppression. i want them to be happy. to be pure. to be anything but me.


so im going to again bring up brendan cuz honistly something i havent writen down.

i have this syestem i do that tends to fuck everything up. i change when im with someone. im compleatly awear of this. but yes i change so when we break up i can go back to being me. like it never happens like cutting of a string, useless and piontless.but with him there was a bit more then just a fake durnken whore. i showed him everthing. i GAVE him everything. so it was more like cutting out my heart.

i wish i could show him this. make him get it, but i dont think it would matter. hes to cold now. i was on the right track before, he hates me.

oh so many regrets. but in another world i can pretend. pretend ts all okay. hes changed to, i'll just gi back to when he didn't when he loved me with everything. when i was the strongest person he knew. god i miss that, i miss that part of him.

but when i imagen in a way its like he never left. i wish he never left, and took my heart with him.

but this is a world of pretend.


"That I can't make you stay
But where's your heart?"~ my chem

Sunday, October 24, 2010

i was in love with a liar

This is the end
Of you and me
And everything I used to be
Back then it meant something
But you're living a lie, you just can't hide from me

im tried of all this shit.

of cutting or ana.

of stupied people who change there mind. you know what i have a right to be mad!even tho he said he didnt want to hurt me it was still pretty dick! so you know what fuck you! fuck this.

im sabrina fucking cardinal. im not letting ANYONE break me again. ever. i let my walls down for him thats why im hurt. there going back up and no one is getting in. no one will ever hurt me again.

i had good memories with him. he said he loved me. here i have a great convo to show every one!

sabrina:hey,alright so can i ask you a question? cuz i didn't have a chance to ask you on what was it thruseday?


sabrina: when did you feelsing start to change?

brendan:sat. last week

sabrina:figuers as much

brendan: ya (<--- loveing your vocab!)

sabrina:thanks thats all i wanted to know


yeah so thats how it went. so i ask why am i wasting my time on thos memories? cuz on some level i wish it was still like that. i cant live in the past. esspacly when the present brendan is cold. there for...

i sabrina (fucking) cardinal, am so over it.

its time to start writeing about what this blog is made for, new begings happy storys. and not liars. i used to be in love with one.

-sabrina fucking cardinal-

Thursday, October 21, 2010

love kills slowly

okay so conserding this is my blog i have the right to say what ever i want..

so yeah i got dumped today.. what was karls words oh yes "i dumped her like a sack of potatos"... not one of my best days

i dont even know where to start. im not mad. im not relieved, or happy. im hurt. i feel empty like something cold is ripping out my insides.

i told you i loved you more brendan. i guess i win? yeah doesnt feel so good.

i remember every deatail of every thing that ever happened and there washing my insides away like acid. i remember the shapeing of his skin. the color of there eyes and how the change. the feeling of his soft skin. his hair. the fabric of his shirt. might me kinda creeper like but i just do. cuz i loved him.

i loved him. i let him in. i showed him everything inside of me. he hated it. he walked away. i gave him every thing i had. it wasnt enofe. no one can possably imagin how much that hurt. it happened so meny times... i should be used to it right? rong. it hurts more and more each time now.

i wish i could pretend

pretend it didnt happen

pretend none of it was real

i wish this was a dream...

its not a dream, its a night mare.

i cant pretend it doesnt hurt anymore. he feels bad that he hurt me. i dont get it. does that make it better? he feels bad okay so? does that make me batter does that fix me.

ana im temped to take her back now. i havent eaten all day i just drank water. i couldnt bring myself to eat. i riped aprt my food and thats about it every one gave me candy and stuff but it didnt make it better. i was in my old state of mind all day. you kmow if i dont eat ill be perfect. then ill be worth love.

it hurts so much. not being goos enofe. every one says you can get anyone you want. i dont want anyone. i wanted him cuz he pushed me to be better. pushed me to change. he made me happy. happy like you wouldnt believe. it was like a durg... i hate this i cant hate him. even tho he lied. even tho he took my happyness away. i dont want to hate him. i just want to sit some place cold and dark and never think again. some place where the darkness is a cool velevit.

i always knew i was worthless. its carved on my body along with fallen and lair... you can guess why.

i stoped cutting for him. i lived and didnt kill myslelf for him. i dont habve that reson anymore. i can be free. i can fly away

love kills slowly


Thursday, September 30, 2010

no rest for the wicked

i can't be happy.

its not a just for now thing, i cant be. i want to be happy more then anything.

but i just can't. i always feel alone and in the dark. like its sofcating me, at one point it was like it was a soft velet rapeing around me nice and cool. now it hurts it presses down on my chest breaking my ribs. its like heavey water. it fills my lungs my heart. think heavy and painfull. like liguid iron.

he said its just for now i have my whole life. im lucky if i live my whole life. i can bearly make one day, my whole life thats terffing. i can't natrully be happy. ever. i need pills to make me feel happy.

i hate doing this to brendan, i hate it so much. i would compleatly get it if he left. i'd leave me. i hate me. always the same problems, over and over again. i'd hate it. he didn't sing up for crazy manic deppresive. it scars me, that he would. but i think im getting used to the idea that every ones going to walk away from me. no one every stays. they can't handle it. i cant even fucking handle it.

im still cutting im stoping tho, it feels rong im happy-ish when i cut or as colse to happy as i can come. i just feel normal with it. its gone from 32 each time i cut to 3 or 4. i think i bump it up to 10 tho, from 32 to 10 still good. from 32 to 4 is better but i'm have trubble with that.

i make up for it it used to be 32 shallow bloddy cuts. i cut deeper now to make up for it so the pain stays longer so there easy to open up if i need blood. alex has these really deep cuts on her leg tht have been there for months she says to get the blade deeper you push harder (thats what she said)

i cant seem to get it. im jelouse of thos so used to pain thats all i think i ever want to feel.

cut. i love that word.cut.say it, did u hear the slash it makes when ever you say it? cut

i was looking threw old dirys, and i always used to sing one sabrina of our lifes. i used to joke and say my liffe was a soap opra and then everthing got real. and it wasnt so funny anymore.

im alone, or i always feel alone, and on my own like its me against the world. i could be surounded but 3 million people and still feel alone and unwanted. oh dear god where is my salvation.

poeple say they understand, that they cut. they wanted to kill them selfs ect. they been where i have. there lieing. no one will know what this is like, not unless you're me you'll never know. you can't grasp me unless you are me.

i guess there really is no rest for the wicked.


Monday, September 20, 2010

highschool, resons,views

"I am a little bit insecure, a little unconfident
'Cause you don't understand, I do what I can
But sometimes I don't make sense"

yeah i hate highschool.or more like i hate people.alot.

im a wrd girl with many opions that change but i have to solid one that are polar oppistes but mesh very well together.

love and hate.

they say you can't hate some one you love. but oppistes would be nothing without the other. there is a thin line betwwen love and hate like there is with oppisats. night and day, life and death, good and evil.

you can know love unless you've felt don't know light unless you now dark. and you dont know what good and evil if you've never seen true good or true evil.if you haven't felt any of thos you have not yet lived. you are nivie.

i have felt. i have lived. i hate it. its hard to find resons to live at all,i made a list it was supossed to be of 50 for a while its thankfullly growing longer

1. the people i love.
-brendan <3
there the poeple i love most in the world. alot of the time there my only resons.

2.the stars. you can't see then when your rotting in the ground.

when i was going threw a really hard time at home, fighting with my mom and dealing with my dad death iused to gaze at the stars every night. every night i would be at my window looking around at the snow with the stars shineing bright they shine brightest in the winter. ther where my salvation.

for a while those where my only to resons to live to go on ever. but now, i have some more.
- family
- getting out of this god forsken place.

4. if i kill my self some one, some where out there will cry over my grave. some one some where out there ( soul mate, yes i believe in tht) will be lost and have to go threw there life alone.i could never. ever. do that to him.

5. i refuse to hurt the ones i love, even if my cuts are hurting them my death will hurt worse. at least they have some of me this way. the rest i bleed away.

but to my veiws

veiw one: life is hard but theres a reason im on this worl i want to help people. i never want some one to feel like me.

veiw two: people are awful they are genuanly bad well are slefish and ALL disever to die. life is a crul joke that has no real meaning and people can be replaced.

see how different thos are?

but do you see how they are the same?

i do hate people and they are selfish and we do disaver to die, but even tho that is ture and life might be a joke ( i haven't lived enfoe or seen enofe to know) poeple out there that are like me with people that love them shouldnt die.

even tho people are evil no one diserevis this pain.

no one.


Sunday, September 19, 2010

every scar has its past and every life has its end

i cut.

i cut threw everything. every emotion seeing the blood pore sobers me up like you wouldnt believe.its the best drug ill ever take.

and if you cut ill never tell you to stop. i would be hypocritcal for me to make you stop. i dont want to stop. i dont ever want to stop. i need the cuts and the blood like i need air. im in that far. is there any way out?

but what i can say is. dont be like me. i wouldnt wish me or my life on anyone in this world. you'll never get me or know how it feels to be me, unless you are me.

once i made that frist cut there was no going back i can never be the same me i was then. i'll never been the same nivie little girl. ever.again.

i didn't know pain

i didn't know hate

i didnt know saddness

i didnt know what it ment be alive

once i made that first cut, i felt every thing. and happyness true true happyness has hardly been felt scence. i dont know if i ever will even in my happyest moments i'm sad. im broken.

no one disevers a broken girl.

after these 4 years of cutting. i know what its like to be worthless. trust me i know.

its sad that whem some one asked me what inportant to me what is worth take in the only thing i could think was. razor.

wow i really am that fucked up.


the road so far

okay so ill be blut becuase i don't care about what people think any more, im to far gone to care.

im a pretty fucked up little girl. thats the beging middle and end all the rest are details.

i love. im cable of loveing every one and every thing. in this life with the pain i've felt witch i dont know if you want me to go there. according to katie this is suppossed to be a happy blog!

okay fuck that...

pain it feels like my ribs are being pulled back just so my heart can be ripped out, it feels like my bones are being snapped one buy one and every thing eles. is in flames.

once you feel that you know when you love

you know how to love

you know what it means to love

to feel.

once you've felt that it's insane what you're capable of.

what you'll do to keep the pain away.

once you hit tht pain you find how deep you find your skin goes and how meny pills it will take to never wake up.

i have meny scars i have meny cuts.

my body now holds 86 cuts all over it. it can hold more.

but i promised i'd stop. i promised i'd try.

and for him i will.

this scars me. i dont feel normal unless im hurting myself.

weather its not eating or cutting.

with out that i dont know what i can do i feel rong missplaced. pain has become a part of every day life, something i can't live without. fucked up? trust me i know.

but if stoping will let me feel happyness true happyness then well mabey its worth a shot.

or mabey it will go horbily rong.

lets find out shall we?