so i guess you can say im child-ish. or i am child-ish.
like i stiil LOVE puppies and baby animals cuz well there fugeing cute.
i also beilieve in magical creature and fariy-tales- compleatly shild-ish and imutrue for a high school freshman. most people think its for attention, but its rlly not. it because it gives me faith in another world. that some where out there, theres something pure and beautiful. and that i dont have to grow up.
honistly im not ready to, change scares me. i want to live in a world where theres no pain, no sadness. no cutting. no brendan. or handsome prince waiting to save me. just me and the air. the freedom. peace. salvation.
fairy tale honistly shouldn't be told to lil girls. or read to them every night. i think i'll read my kids the brother grim the real version. it closer to realtiy.
i don't my lil girl growning up thinking a man needs to save her. or give her false illsions, basicly i dont want my child to wind up like me. i would save anyone from that. i hate me. i hate pain. thats why i dont blame brendan. i dont like myself why should he?
but back to not wanting my kids to end up like me.
im deppressed, it runs in the family. i want to have kids. i rlly do ( not now of corse). but i dont want another little girl growning up with deppression. i want them to be happy. to be pure. to be anything but me.
so im going to again bring up brendan cuz honistly something i havent writen down.
i have this syestem i do that tends to fuck everything up. i change when im with someone. im compleatly awear of this. but yes i change so when we break up i can go back to being me. like it never happens like cutting of a string, useless and piontless.but with him there was a bit more then just a fake durnken whore. i showed him everthing. i GAVE him everything. so it was more like cutting out my heart.
i wish i could show him this. make him get it, but i dont think it would matter. hes to cold now. i was on the right track before, he hates me.
oh so many regrets. but in another world i can pretend. pretend ts all okay. hes changed to, i'll just gi back to when he didn't when he loved me with everything. when i was the strongest person he knew. god i miss that, i miss that part of him.
but when i imagen in a way its like he never left. i wish he never left, and took my heart with him.
but this is a world of pretend.
"That I can't make you stay
But where's your heart?"~ my chem